|Dawson's Weak| - 18.05.2000

I turned on the Tv. It was a mistake.

That is not to say Tv is always craptacular.. That is not to say that the airwaves are devoid of any sort of useful entertainment, of any sort of educational or entertaining content, BUT, what should I happen across, but the apitimy of video idiocy, Dawson's Creek. Look, the show is about under developed characters, who were previously created in a little movie called Scream. Whats that you say, what does the slasher flick Scream have to do with anything? WELL, first I'll point out that "Scream" and "Dawson's Creek" are both placed in the same location of Capeside, that is to say a Fictional location. "Coincidence!" you cry. One of the main characters of Scream was a movie buff who compared life to film constantly. One of the main characters of Dawson's Creek is a movie buff who compares life to film constantly. "Further Coincidence!" you whimper. Both scream and Dawson's Creek are created by Kevin Williamson, (also the writer of "I know what you did last summer", "I still know what you did last summer", "Scream 2", "Scream 3", "The Faculty", and "Halloween H20"). "But Wyrd!" you cry from your corner like a whipped puppy, "You LIKED Halloween H20!". This, I will admit to be true, but he didn't fully write the script, he gave it a treatment. Some say this man single handedly ressurected the horror genre during the 90's, that we owe him our lives (we being the horror buffs of the world), for having returned our love to the big screen. Ya, and maybe I should thank him for single handedly re-creating the genre of crappy TV? Maybe I should affix him with the title of Lord of overblown characters, of unrealistic dialogue, of ghastly story lines! Sure, in a horror movie your supposed to have a certain amount of suspension of disbelief.. I LIKED Scream. Seriously. It wasn't that the characters were terribly inviting, or that the story was original, or all that slick (Hell, in my opinion the scream costume\face thing isn't even as cool as Chucky.), but it was a decent film, plot twists and humour, the hand of Wes Craven could be felt. "What happened then?" you whine like a clubbed seal "why the hatred?", I think the easiest way to compare how I feel about the scream series is to throwing on a marathon of America's Funniest Home Videos (without the annoying Bob Saget commentary), sure at first the things look funny, after a while you start to wonder how much that actually hurt in real life.. then eventually you start wondering when it will end, sure individually theres entertainment, but how long can you last? How many times can you see someone fall down in a new and comical way? How long can you stand people getting stabbed in different rooms with the same knife? How long can you put up with the same sniveling characters? Drew Barrymore had the best roll in all three movies. She didn't f*ck around, she knew what she was there for, she was in a slasher movie, she acted scared and got slashed. Looping back to where I began, Dawson is an ass, his friends are all asses, his whole town is a plethora of ass. First we're introduced to a happy little town.

Then we find out that the characters (played by people that appear to be well into their own mid-life crisis' and screw the teen BS), are all messing around with each other. No one character can hold a relationship beyond 3 episodes, and I mean these people are getting AROUND Teachers, Gay people, each other, singles, couples, group orgies.. there is no escape from the roaming genetalia that dominate this wholesome little town inhabited by (apparently) knife wielding, psychopathic, nymphomaniacs, who all have terrible pasts (no family unit consists of the standard members, there is no single family in this wonderful little town that has two parents and some kids, I'm starting to wonder if someone didn't get a splash of Children Of The Corn into this little soap opera of the absurd). Joey the good girl, goes around making out with every bloody guy in Capeside, Pacey will jump anything bipedal, Dawson sits around spouting unwanted advice while all the time he may as well be taking it from the rear by a 300 pound greasy biker, since every damn person he's ever had any sort of emotional tie with has apparently decided that in the end he is nothing but fifth business and may as well just go nuts and maybe stab a few of them, <little wyrd: quick, run, while you still can, he's snapped> hell yes, why doesn't he RUN AMOK in a nice little suit with a mask and knife, STABBING all the way to town, BUT OF COURSE, we'll find out in the end that he was not the killer but that CHARMING MR HOOPER FROM SESAME STREET, who we ALL THOUGHT DECEASED, BUT WHO was really IN HIDING TO BE USED AS A Kevin "LOOK AT ME RECYCLE THE PLOT AGAIN, HELL NEXT TIME I'M GOING TO THROW IN SOME ZOMBIES AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE NIGHT OF THE LIVING SCREAMS, OR MAYBE NIGHTMARE ON DAWSON'S CREEK HOW BOUT "I KNOW WHAT YOU SCREAMED LAST HALLOWEEN AT DAWSON'S FREAKING CREEK YOU HONKEY BASTARDS", HOWS THAT SOUND!?"Williamson PLOT DEVICE! *cough cough*

The show is basically Scream without the violence, gore, humour, plot, decent acting, semi-originality, acceptable dialogue or.. well, general goodness. I'd rather have my testicles used in hand rattles then suffer through an episode of Dawson's Creek, (although I seriously tried.. I did). I guess things could change.. things more unlikely have happened I suppose.